#what a shitshow (affectionate)

[shima-draws]

Anyway speaking of poly trios. Have any of you considered Lawlusan because MANNNN.

[luhafraser]

C is the same way with everyone close to her not just S. Add that she's been with T since S1, married and has a son with him while S has pretend gfs, now a pap walk with a hooker, is on Raya and spends all his free time away from C makes the idea of SC an impossibility. It's been 11 years. 3 more months of work together and if you think they'll ever see each other again outside a text or phone call, you're still a firm believer.

No Anon, she isn't... But feel free to see and believe what you want 😉

Just tell me... In all these years, when Tony, her shy husband, was uncomfortable appearing publicly on red carpets, where was Cait's attention? When, in the middle of the crowd, did she look for her husband with an attentive and/or worried look? When did she pay attention to what happened to him when he was there for her, huh?! Normal behavior would be for her to look for his gaze, for care or even for reassurance that everything is okay. He's there to support her, but he also never seems to care, just as Cait doesn't try to comfort him in situations where he doesn't feel well.

And... This need to debunk shippers shows insecurity, that's all Anon... If your truth is so absolute, why waste time telling me these things? One of the reasons shippers don't believe in Caitríona and Tony as a couple is Cait's fault, who is only publicly an affectionate wife when she knows there's a camera in their faces.

But you're right, Anon. I'm a firm believer, and I believe this circus that Sam and Cait still support, even though it started with OL, it's not just about OL anymore, it's about them, their careers, other projects, what they want to sell, their products, their public image... Even with the end of the OL, we still won't have normality and something true... This shitshow should continue for longer.

Note: And no, Cait hasn't been with Tony since S1. Even after appearing with Tony in Donal's post (late 2014) and Tony's supposed friend saying that Cait was Tony's girl (early 2015), there are articles about Caitríona mentioning her being single and happy with it, including in one Caitríona says "At least I get kissed a lot on-screen".

[have-you-seen-my-sanity]

Moon boys as Vampires

The boys know living with them is unique enough and them being vampires now was another level and a bit unusual if you think about them having full on mood changes depending on each phase of the moon.

Although they have certain needs now, they refuse of being the cliche vampire you would normally see in movies. Apart from the need for blood and cold skin, mind you.

Whenever they see a spot for a vampire movie or show, the boys can't help but make remarks about it or fun.

How Steven just laughs and makes fun of the vampire being shown.

“If they call that thing a vampire then we should be called frickin’ Dracula...”

How Marc just cringes whenever he sees the vampire practically glitter and immediately seduces like all woman around him.

“Uh, what kind of freaking soft porn is that? Ugh...”

How Jake just makes disgusting faces and cusses in Spanish when the vampire's skin starts to evapurate as soon as he gets exposed to the sun.

“Qué carajo es este espectáculo de mierda? Qué clase de coño es ese? La piel se quema con el sol, pff!”

(What the fuck is this shitshow even? What kind of pussy is that? Skin burns in the sun, pff!!)

The boys are still the same, they just have a hunger for blood and their senses are heightened.

For example you can try as hard as you want, they always know if your body is acting up or your emotions going wild. You can't fool them.

Moon phases affect them positively and negatively if you will, and since they most probably are still serving Khonshu, the cheeky god can manipulate the moon into different phases, resulting in the other gods just yapping at him, so he gets away with it too.

On full moon, Marc Steven and Jake have especially heightened senses and their emotions and characteristics are stronger too.

Steven gets even more clingy and affectionate.

Marc gets even more possessive and horny.(good luck with that btw... honestly)

Jake gets even more in the mood to hunt.

Whenever a Blue moon happens (or if Khonshu manipulates it to get the boys to chill), they are so calm and sweet that it almost makes you forget they are vampires. Even their hunger seems to be lower during that time.

Steven is sugarcoated anyway, but during blue moon he is candilized in the sweetest way possible.

Marc is just utterly chill and sweet, his sweet side is practically shining out of him.

Jake just loves being near you every second he can, he is almost like a cat wanting nothing more than to lounge around you.

But with a blue moon, comes also a red moon, or Eclipse. During this time their vampire demeanors shine through the roof.

Their eyes are practically glowing red if they get hungry. Not even Steven is sweet during this phase.

Their need for blood is tripled up, their... lets say feral sides are more prominent and their sex drive is shooting up real fast.

What's also through the roof is their possessive and jealous nature during a red moon. If any of them catch you staring at someone even for a second longer, they'd assume you find that person attractive and want to put you back in your place once you're alone.

What's common for them to do with you during red moon is fucking you while drinking only so much that all it would take is one more single drop until you pass out from bloodloss.

They are simply feral during an Eclipse.

But during normal days, they act like they usual do.

Steven is the one who doesn't like the feeding because he always thinks they're hurting you with their fangs.

Marc does actually have some contacts willing to be donors for them so they won't have to feed on you if you don't want that. Though, if you're okay with it, he is on board.

Jake actually prefers others too, but he will try to make you comfortable enough before he feeds. If they only have you for the time being, he doesn't shy away to feed on you.

All three of them despise animal blood, especially Marc and Jake. Steven usually just downs it immediately before he regrets it instantly and makes faces.

They do have cold skin, which may be good in warm seasons but not the cold ones. They all hate the cold skin too but when you cuddle up with them anyway, they feel warm inside.

The boys also hate the Twilight movies because they hate the portrayal of the vampires in them. Just because they have the abilities doesn't mean they have to use them in order to make people fall for them. That's not how they met you.

They for some reason do like Dracula though, because they think he's just cool.

Sometimes the boys can't help but get jealous, especially if thanks to their enhanced smelling, they smell the scent of another person on you. They get especially jealous if it's another guy.

“Love is that the smell of what I think it is?” Steven would ask if his face is buried in your neck after you came home.

“Mi amor, were you with a man?” Jake would say the moment his nose catches the smell.

“You know we can smell you were with guys, right sweetheart?” Marc would remark after his face was close to your neck.

Their prefered spot on where they want to feed is also different.

Steven mostly uses your wrist for a quick feeding but won't say no to your snacky looking neck. (I mean, can you resist his soft, tiny bit worry filled brown eyes looking at you while your blood dribbles down his chin?)

Marc prefers your neck more but has no problem with your wrist as long as he gets his snack. Though if he's feral he's attacking your neck...

Jake only drinks from your neck since he's into that tasty vein of yours and won't take your poor amount of veins in your wrist...

Speaking of biting... they all are into love bites and hickeys, especially your neck. They would even try to convince you not wearing any scarf so their marks would be visible. Gets them going.

The boys also have their prefered spots for love bitings. Jake loves your neck and shoulders, Marc loves your chest area, stomach and sometimes your waist, Steven loves your thighs and everything between. But they all love each part of your body equally.

It's obvious the boys can be assholes if they want to, especially Marc and Jake.

The most asshole-thing even Steven does is just sneak up on you from behind to scare you. You never even expect him until it's too late with his cat-like steps.

What Marc and Jake do is a bit more asshole-like, like staring you down like some delicious snack, teasing you about it and flashing cheshire cat rivaling grins to flash their fully extended fangs at you. Some habits die hard even after death.

The most asshole thing they can do though is asking Khonshu to manipulate the moon phase to their liking so they can be all-scary-vampire-like.

But they can be total sweethearts too. Their charming sides come out even more often, so they like taking you out on fancy and expensive restaurants followed by Jake driving you around until you fall asleep. Hand kissings included.

---------------------------

Tags:

@nekoyin @iolaussharpe-24 @steven-grants-world @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @krakenkitty

@tokkiwrites @mochiitoby @basicalyrandom @buckyssugarchick @alexxavicry

@silvernight-m @faretheeoscar @rosegnome @monowritestoomuch @ghoulzsstuff

@klillaah @heavydirtysoulsblog @appeltaartglitter

[sgiandubh]

https://www.tumblr.com/almost-romantic/652813634861498368/ive-been-looking-for-this-video-for-ages

It's Sam.. Caitriona spontaneity here is scandalous

What beautiful memories😍

Dear Scandalous Spontaneity Anon,

I am not sure what exactly happened there and, if I remember that con short reel, I am not sure if he was on the panel and she was on Zoom or if he wasn't there at all. Someone? Anyone?

On the other hand, I am 'not sure' what exactly happened here, either:

However, what I am pretty sure of is the fact that in time, C mastered that ability of speaking under her breath. And that S loves to tease & surprise her, especially when she is or needs to be focused and serious. Not a JamieClaire thing, a real people thing.

'Such a child', indeed. Her 'ridiculous human being'. Reminds me of the 'silly cow' vs ' preposterous twat' that often, very often pepper some very affectionate episodes of my life.

Mordor, you're missing out on all the fun of this #shitshow. Must be those brooms up your arses.

[5ugarand5pice]

Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve

(can we pretend it says silverstone instead of melbourne thank you)

Part 1: Dear Reader  | Part 2: Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve | Part 3: coming soon

pairing: driver! reader x f1 grid

inspired by: Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve by Taylor Swift (ik the song is unrelated but if anyone wants to cry over the possible Taylor and Joe split, my dms are open)

a/n: a couple months late but you asked and now you shall receive! thank you so much for all the love for Dear Reader, it means the world to me 🥹🤍 super sorry for going ghost (went thru a breakup, cried over a 🤢boy🤢 and tried to get my shit together) but i’m all good now and better than ever! definitely in my reputation era which means y/n will be too... soon. anyways, hope you like this and sending everyone hugs esp after the shitshow that was the aus gp (justice for carlos!!)

warning/s: a bit sad??? longer than i expected it would be but yes

If you would've blinked then I would've Looked away at the first glance If you tasted poison, you could've Spit me out at the first chance And if I was some paint, did it splatter On a promising grown man? And if I was a child, did it matter If you got to wash your hands?

The rest of your time in Monaco was spent coordinating with your team on possible moves forward in F1. Come Tuesday morning, you and Abi were on the way to your home country, a half-assed plan and bundle of nerves in your hands.

“It’ll be alright. You’ve got a kickass mom who’ll drag Christian’s ass to court and back if she has to and you also have me. You know I got your back— even if it means breaking a law or two.” Abi says, squeezing your hand twice as you make your way to your family home.

“For legal reasons, that was a joke.” you chuckle.

“Please, I’ll even help you bury the body.” your mom replies, giving you a small wink from the driver's seat.

You shake your head as you smile, the familiarity of the scenery as well as the playful conversations with your mom and Abi bring you a sense of comfort you had missed. It’s good to be home.

When your mom had pulled up to the driveway, your grandparents were already waiting by the door, a small banner written “welcome back home girls!” in your Nana’s penmanship.

“I missed you guys so much.” you almost cry out as you reach in for a hug.

“Our little racer isn’t so little anymore.” Nana coos.

“We watched your race in Austria, sweetheart. Almost forgot how much of a softie you actually are when I saw you drive.” Papa teases.

“Don’t tell outsiders that she’s a softie, we have a reputation to uphold over here.” Abi pipes, tone going high as she struggles with her bag.

“As if everyone doesn’t know that she’s a softie.” Nana says as she rolls her eyes affectionately.

You all chuckle as you finally make your way inside, Nana noting that she would have supper set up at 6pm.

The rest of the afternoon was spent settling in your respective rooms. Wandering around as you take in your surroundings, a picture frame on your dresser catches your attention.

The 2017 British Grand Prix.

Oh, God. If only you knew.

Oh, oh All I used to do was pray Would've, could've, should've If you'd never looked my way

You placed third at the Formula 2 British Grand Prix. Ahead of you was Charles Leclerc and your teammate, Norman Nato, respectively.

“You know, if he weren’t so cute, I would definitely be screaming at him for overtaking you like that.” Abi mutters as she hands you a towel.

“Please, we both know you’d probably use that as an excuse to make a move.” you playfully scoff as you wipe your face.

“I would,” she shrugs, “but I’m rooting for your enemies to lovers love story”.

“Oh, Abi.” you sigh, “Where did you get that idea?”

“Please, you’ve seen the way he looks when you pass by.” she giggles as she mocks what you assume were lovestruck eyes.

“Quit it. He doesn’t like me like that. He just” you pause, “has that charm.”

“Sure,” she grins, “but when you guys end up together, I’ll be mentioning this moment in my Maid of Honor speech.”

Before you can protest, Kenny Kirwan, your team manager, clears his throat behind you.

“Y/n, Abi, I’d like to introduce you to Christian Horner, the team principal of Red Bull Racing.” he tilts his head to his right.

“Christian, This is Y/n, this is our driver I’ve been telling you about. We’re lucky to have her in our team.” he continues, his smile faltering as you remain stoic.

“Hi. I’m Abi. Her social media manager and best friend.” Abi speaks up, breaking the awkward silence. She extends her hand, eyes darting between the two of you.

“Nice to meet you.” he grins, shaking her hand. “Congrats on second, by the way. I’m so proud of you.” he looks at you, engulfing you in what you suspect was one of those weird man clap hugs.

“Oh! Uh, thank you.” you smile, immediately pulling away. “I didn’t think you would watch my races.”

“I try to. You’ve been progressing well.”  he comments.

“Planning to win the championship, so, you know, gotta get those points.” you reply, shifting your weight between your legs.

“You can do it. You are your father’s daughter after all.” he smirks.

“Uhuh.” you wince.

Kenny does his best to ease the tension, raving about how he discovered your talent and how much potential you have to further in Formula 1.

“Well, it’s been lovely catching up with you but we really have to go. We promised Lorelei we’d be home before late to celebrate.” Abi interrupts.

“Oh! Of course.” he smiles awkwardly. “Um, before you go, maybe you’d want to go to the race tomorrow? I’d love to have you as my guest.”

“Sure. I’d like that. Abi’s my plus one.” you reply. “If that’s okay.” you quickly add, to which he smiles.

“Of course. Well, I’ll go ahead. Gotta get ready for FP3 and quali. You still have the same number?” Christian asks.

All you do is nod as he walks away, a dumbfounded Kenny following suit.

“Wait ‘til your mom hears about this.” Abi breaks you out of your trance, yanking your arm to lead you to your room.

I would've stayed on my knees And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil At nineteen And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts Memories feel like weapons And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering

As it turns out, Formula 1 had a completely different vibe from Formula 2; the screams were louder, the air was hotter and everyone seemed more tense. However, no one was as tense as you.

“I don’t know Abi.” you sigh, your hands gripping the wheel. “What if it’s worse than yesterday?” you turn to look at her.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” she asks, eyes trained on the mirror as she applies yet another layer of lip gloss.

“His wife can hate me. I get run over. I run over someone. I make a fool out of myself in the paddock. I unintentionally ruin my chances of ever becoming a Formula 1 driver which will then stop me from achieving my dream of becoming a Formula 1 World Champion.” your grip tightening as you ramble on.

Abi glances at your hands, sensing that you were about to slip into one of your spirals. She immediately grabs a hold of those and squeezes twice. Breathe In.

“She’ll love you. You won’t be on the track. You won’t be driving. You can always apologize and flash your adorable smile. I won’t let you ruin your chances. You will become a formula 1 driver. You will become world champion. It’s going to be fun, trust me” her hands squeezing yours twice again. Breathe Out.

“Fuck it. Okay. Let’s do this.” you mutter, quickly closing your windows and stepping out of your car.

The two of you pass through the gates, feeling a bit out of place and out of your element as a guest. Christian gave the two of you a tour of the Red Bull hospitality, introducing you to the crew while at it. Although they all seemed nice, your stomach churned every time surprise would flash their face when Christian introduced you as his daughter.

When time was nearing the race, he excused himself to look for his drivers. Abi left as well, muttering something about finding the ladies’ room. That left you standing alone in a corner of the garage, too shy to add on to the hustle and bustle of the race day.

“You look lonely, want some company?” you hear a voice to your right.

“Oh! Um, sure. If you want.” you reply, flustered.

“Okay.” he heartily laughs, “So, are you here for a sponsor or something?” he asks.

“A personal guest? I think.” you chuckle, “It’s complicated.”

“Well, complicated, nice to meet you. I’m Daniel.” he grins, offering you his hand to shake.

“I actually know who you are.” you smile back as you shake his hand, “Not that I stalk you or anything! I’ve watched a few of your races.”

“I’m a driver too. Well, currently in Formula 2.”  you continue, embarrassment tinging your cheeks, “Y/n y/l/n”.

“Oh no, more young drivers!” he dramatically gasps, “Another reminder that I’m aging.”

“You don’t look a day over 70!” you joke, face immediately paling when you realize what you just said. “Oh God! I’m so-”, your apology cut off by Daniel's laughter.

“Oh, I like you. You’re funny.” he breathily sighs. “We can be friends now.”

“So sense of humor is part of your friendship checklist?” you tease, mentally thanking whichever angel God sent you. “Sadly you didn’t tick that box on mine.”

“Okay,” he pouts his lips. “Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” you roll your eyes.

“Chickens.”

“Chickens who?”

“Enkkk.” he voices out, mimicking a buzzer. “Owls hoot, chickens cluck.”

You purse your lips. “A for effort. We should be friends so we can work on your sense of humor, grandpa.”

Daniel scoffs and places his hands on his chest, feigning hurt.

“Daniel!” someone hollers. “Mate, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Damn it.” Daniel chuckles. “I really thought I was gonna win at hide and seek this week.”

“Christian says we have to go over some notes before the race” he goes on, clueless to your presence.

“Well, it seems I have to bid you adieu.” Daniel turns to you, bowing to add to your amusement. “Till next time, mademoiselle.”

Daniel leaves, heading to what you guess is their meeting room. The stranger follows him, sending you a sheepish smile, presumably his form of apology for interrupting your conversation. You wave him off with a smile, shouting a quick “Good luck!” as they pass.

If you never touched me, I would've Gone along with the righteous If I never blushed, then they could've Never whispered about this And if you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was But, Lord, you made me feel important And then you tried to erase us

Despite both of the Red Bulls not being able to set foot on the podium, the garage still celebrated points; P4 for Daniel and P5 for his teammate, Max. Daniel, being Mister Congeniality, insisted (quite ruthlessly) that you come to the afterparty. This is how you and Abi ended up back in your room, flipping out over outfit options.

“I think we need to find you the perfect ensemble that screams I’m classy but I can be a slut if I want to.” Abi shouts from inside your closet, another batch of dresses being thrown towards the growing pile on the floor.

“I can’t look like a slut, Abi. My father might be there.” You mutter, setting up your makeup at the vanity.

As much as it bothered you, you knew better than to try to clean while Abi rummaged through your clothes. She once gave you an earful, going on about how messy people are creative geniuses. Thus, the artist shall not be disturbed.

“We’re trying to attract a driver and a driver’s seat, not your father. ” she gags, head peeking out of the closet. “Have you seen the way that Max guy looked at you?”.

“No, because I’m not looking at him.” you turn away. “Besides, I thought you were rooting for a certain Monegasque.”

“I am, but it's rude to disregard other contenders.” she shrugs, passing you a little black dress. “I think this is it. Max will definitely keep his eyes on you tonight.”

Just as always, Abi was right. When you had finally arrived at the pub, Max immediately spotted you, nudging Daniel towards your direction.

“Glad you can make it, mademoiselle.” Daniel greets you, reenacting his bow from earlier that day.

“Good evening, Sire.” you curtsy in response.

“May I escort thee to thy party chambers?” he continues his act, mimicking a posh accent you’ve mostly heard in period dramas.  

“I’d be most delighted, o good Sir.” you nod, locking arms with him and Abi with the other. “I’d like to introduce my companion. Sir Daniel, meet Lady Abigail.”

“Delighted to make your acquaintance, Lady Abigail.” he waves with his free hand.

“You guys are crazy.” Abi snorts. “But likewise, Sir Daniel.”

He leads the two of you to a booth, excusing himself to get the two of you a drink. Max was still seated at the same spot, nursing a half empty bottle of beer.

“I’m sorry for interrupting your conversation with Daniel before the race and for not introducing myself then.” he sheepishly smiles at you. “I’m Max.”

“Y/n, and no worries about that. It was a busy time.” you smile back. “This is my friend by the way, Abi.”

“Congrats on P5.” she nods at him, eyes immediately darting back to the crowd.

Before Max could get another word in, Daniel returns with drinks in his hands.

“Three margaritas for the lovely ladies and myself.” he gives a cheeky smile while passing out the drinks. “Another beer for Max.”

The four of you spent the night getting to know each other better. Halfway through your drinks, Daniel excuses himself to mingle with other guests. Abi excuses herself as well, saying she needs to get water but you later catch her wink at you while a guy talks her up at the bar. That bitch (affectionately).

“So, you come to races often?” Max asks, shifting your attention back to him.

“Mostly busy with my own but I watch you guys from time to time.” you smile.

“You race too?” he chokes on his drink.

“Currently in Formula 2, yes.” Handing him a tissue, you chuckle. “I kinda take offense at your shock.”

“Sorry, it’s just that-” he starts off, wiping off his lips. “I think it’s best if you don’t finish that sentence.” you giggle. “So, Max, how long have you been racing?”

“Well, pretty much ever since my dad thought I was old enough to start.” he mutters.

“So, since you were in the womb?” you joke.

“Pretty much.” he laughs. “You?”

“Similar. Got into it because of my dad as well but continued for myself.” you look down and fidget with your rings.

“Anyways,” he clears his throat. “What’s your favorite team?”

“Ferrari.” you grin. “Big Vettel fan here.”

“You were hanging out in the wrong garage then.” he muses. “Any way I can switch you over to my side?”

“I can be convinced,” you tease. “if given enough incentive.”

“How about I convince you over dinner?” he asks.

“Bold ask.” you giggle. “I’d have to think about that.”

Oh, oh You're a crisis of my faith Would've, could've, should've If I'd only played it safe

At that time, it seemed like the world was working in your favor. You had three consecutive podiums in Hungaroring, Spa and Monza. To add to the excitement, all of those races coincided with that of the F1 calendar, giving you more chances to hang out in the Red Bull garages.

The highlight, though, would be Monza. After winning first place, Christian invited you to breakfast to celebrate and “make up for lost time”. Abi, being the perfect balance of tough love and unending support, decided it’d be best for you to go alone, much to your dismay. You paced back and forth in the hallway, making a mental list of things to not bring up. Your thoughts come to a halt when you hear the click of the door, revealing Geri on her way out.

“Y/n! Christian’s inside. You can just head in.” she smiles, hand holding the doorknob.

“Oh, okay.” you breathe out. “Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous.”

“It’s alright.” she chuckles. “He’s nervous too if that’s any consolation.”

“A little.” you giggle. “Um, I hope it’s not an intrusion. Me being here, I mean.”

“That’s nonsense!” she exclaims. “I just thought it’d be better for the two of you to talk things out alone. But, if you’re open to it, I’d love to get to know you better as well.”

“I’d like that.” you exhale. “Well, I think I should head in.”

“Of course.” she laughs, moving towards the lift. Turning around she says, “He’s trying, you know.”

Not knowing what to say, you offer a smile and head inside their room.

“Honey, do you think she’d want more food? Or is this enough?” you hear him shout.

Heading towards the dining area, you chuckle. “She left already. But, if you’re planning to feed the entire grid, maybe we can order more food.”

“Y/n.” he grins. “It’s lovely to see you.”

“You too.” you mutter, taking a seat opposite him.

“So,” he clears his throat. “I saw you win yesterday, congratulations!”

“Thanks.” you beam. “I heard you guys got P2 and P3 for quali. Must be looking forward to this race huh?”

“Quite.” he hands you a plate of waffles. “You still like this, right?”

“You remembered.” you gasp. “Even the strawberries and bananas.”

“I checked with your mom to make sure I got it right.” his cheeks tinges with embarrassment. “Gotta feed next year’s potential F1 driver well.”

“What?” your jaw drops. “Formula 1?”

“I introduced you to Franz Tost for a reason. He told me he’d love to have you in Toro Rosso next year.” he muses. “Maybe after that, you’d be racing for Red Bull.”

“HOLY SHIT!” you scream. “Is this for real?”

“Yes. It is.” he chuckles.

“Wait, who’s leaving?” you pause.

“Well, you’ll be taking Daniil’s seat. Carlos is moving to Renault for the last few races which leaves you, hopefully, and Pierre to complete the team next year.”

“Will they still be racing next year?” you ask.

“Carlos will be with Renault and I’m still unsure about Kvyat.” he says. “So, thoughts?”

“I’d have to discuss it with my team but personally, it’d be an honor.”

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die? Years of tearing down our banners, you and I Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first

You get up from your bed, hands still clutching the picture frame. Based on the dark view outside your window, you assume you overslept, completely missing supper. You tuck the frame in a random drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

You make your way to the kitchen, moving quietly to not wake anyone else up. You almost scream when you see your grandpa sitting on a barstool, a faint light casting a shadow.

“Why are you up so late?” you clutch your chest, trying to calm your heart.

“Just thinking, you know.” he mutters. “Worrying about you.”

“Oh Pa, I’m alright.” you hug him, taking a seat at his side. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, kiddo.” he breathes out. “I heard you crying earlier. I know you’re not fine.”

You sit there in silence. Although you were raised so open to emotions, you still had trouble expressing your own, worried about worrying others.

“When you had your first accident during your karting days, I freaked out. I almost had your mom pull you out, thinking that the sport was too much for you.” he starts. “Then, on our way to the car, you walked up to me and Nan and said, ‘look Pa! I have battle marks! I can go against the tough ones now!’. You had tears in your eyes and a bruise on your leg and arm, but you looked so happy.”

He grabs both of your hands, rubbing his thumbs across the back. “I knew then I didn’t have to protect you, not because you didn’t need it. God knows I tried my best to do that. But, you didn’t want it. You were so good on your own.”

“Not to be a sexist asshole but there were times when I wished you chose a more common hobby. Ballet, piano, anything that didn’t have a high risk of me losing you.” he breathes out. “It wasn’t just the physical aspect too. I just- I see complete strangers say just cruel things about you and how you started losing bits of yourself.”

“You’ve grown, but I used to be able to still see that little racer in her braids and a goofy smile with a missing tooth. Now, it’s like you turned into this machine. I get that it’s a tough sport but I worry you will lose your heart and spirit.”

“I- ” you sniffle, “I love racing. I know that.”

“I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life but right now I feel so lost.” you continue. “I never would’ve imagined being this close to achieving my dreams and now it’s gone.”

“And it’s silly. Like, I know I have mom. I have you and Nan. Abi too.” you breathe in. “But he should’ve been part of my life as well. He’s not just mom’s friend from college who knocked her up. He’s my father.”

Although your tears start to flow, you continue. “As much as his absence hurt, I still tried. I gave up my childhood and other dreams I had to be here.”

“The worst part of it all was me thinking I finally got what I wanted. That I finally had a dad.” you exhale. “Then he sold my femininity to the world then threw me away.”

God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign

Heading to the track felt like hell, dread filled your stomach and your hands were clammy with sweat. For your sake, Abi had ensured you wouldn’t get any press time and to your surprise, the teams agreed. Thinking about it now, you assume it was to save their dwindling reputation. Although your social battery was at an all time low, you still stopped to interact with your fans on your way to and from the paddock. As genuine as your gratitude was, your smile and thank you’s were visibly forced.

Everyone knew what this race weekend meant to you. You’ve been looking forward to racing in Silverstone, making it your goal of the season to go on the podium at your home race in your dream team. However, that seems like something only possible in an alternate reality. Despite Max’s pleas of you staying in Red Bull, you refused. You didn’t even bother telling him about your shift back to Toro Rosso or that you had moved out of his place. He’ll find out one way or another.

Thankfully, your schedule and distance from their garage minimized your interactions with certain members of the Red Bull team. Nevertheless, keeping true to your promise, you invited Daniel and a couple other drivers to meals in between practices, doing your best to front a “I’m doing better than you think” facade. You even reached out to Alex Albon, making it clear that there is no bad blood between you and that his replacement isn’t something you took personally.

Come Sunday morning, you have grown accustomed to your new (or old) team. Staring at the mirror gave you a sense of deja vu; the bold text of “Red Bull” across your suit mocked you. Wiping off a few stray tears, you can’t help but think about yourself from a year ago and what she would’ve thought about your situation. Would she laugh at the irony or would she cry with you?

You turn around when you hear a faint knock. Abi peeks in, a small smile gracing her face. “It’s almost race time. Are you ready?”

“Fuck no.”

a/n: as always, would love to hear your thoughts so feedback is more than welcome (but please be kind) !!!  to all that shared their love for Dear Reader, you have my heart and i hope this part did not disappoint 🫂 took a while to get here (seriously wrote a long ass piece then completely changed everything but ohwell) and i think i’m happy with the direction so far?? also, please let me know if you want to be part of the taglist or if it’s not working (still unsure abt how this works but i shall figure it out!)

taglist: @lighttsoutlewis @holy-macncheese-balls @for-fuck-sake-im-alive​ @idkiwantchocolatee @dan3avocado @aquamariene-me 

[hisaribi]

<333 OMG THANK U FOR THE LONG RESPONSE ABT OMEGA JAY + EVEN MORE OF YOUR BETA DICK HCS 😭💞 they're really lovely, I really enjoy how you look at omegas? The protectiveness and how they'd be bigger moreso focusing on protection and stuff ! Cool ! Worldbuilding ! I love how you get these different types of packs (like Damian's!) etc etc

Reverse Robin's Dick is absolutely precious, I love him infinitely. His and Damian's dynamics are <333 just lovely since Damian has mellowed down and softened quite a bit :') <33

SORRY 😭 just being attacked by brain worms, thank u sm for the lengthy answer !!! Small question because rev robins is just so fun and I got like, extra WOAH-ED by it, are you killing off Tim here (Making him RH or some other Crime lord, much colder than what Jason is) or is it still Jason (Eternally doomed god help him 😭)

And ! It just made me imagine big brother Jason ! Even more protective of pups and betas, Dick is both ;-; (is he going to get smothered?)

AGAIN!!! THANK U !!! ur so cool <3

I'm really glad it brought you joy! No you're cool!

the context: beta dick grayson post, omega Jason ask

I love reverse robins as a way to explore dynamics that can still be the same even if everything is so so different, so yeah, and in omegaverse with Dick being the only beta in a pack that isn't used to it and yet somehow holding them together is just great!

but I have sort of difficult relationship with rr, because I have preferences about them, that I don't see a lot lol

one of them Batgirls (minus Steph, or no, idk), being the canon-age, so no, babs isn't youngest in this, she's older than Damian and they have a love-hate relationships that are more sibling-like, Cass is the third eldest, Duke is forth and so on, Staph probably still between Jason and Tim, but idk. Harper also has her canon age, because I said so, anyway, back to all that

another is that Tim joined because of Dick and his obsession with him caused by trauma and all that. So in Reverse Robins he won't be joining the family before Dick. I sorta like him joining during the battle for cowl, the same goes for Duke, actually, but for different reasons. So Tim would be over 17 (lol), and he steps in because Dick being Dick would try and hold a leash on a bunch of elder batfam people who try to become Batmans but they all suck so ye, Tim steps in to help Dick. I have this post about reverse robins where ages are reversed, but not the order of adoption, so something like that would still be good for our reverse robins omegaverse thingie we talk about. so again, we can go around that with B adopting Tim before any of that, but that's a different can of worms. Also I sorta prefer Tim being more on the Oracle side

Now for died and was revived and it was a shitshow (affectionate), I think it should be either Jason or Steph, but also Steph's story as Spoiler compiles me, so no, Tim won't be the Robin who died (they are also Shadows, not Robins, and nobody knew who really lived through all the vigilante thing, if anything and we make Duke join the first, him and Damian constantly changing does create a nice creature vibe, anyway), for me it's still Jason

I also do love the possible body dysphoria Jason would get, because he died on a pretty short side right before Dick appeared in the family (I put their age difference) more like what they have in pre-n52 canon, because I really dislike what they did with ages here, anyway, at least 7 years difference, so Jason died at 15, Dick got to the family right after that and B was grieving and gosh what a shitshow that would be, so back to Jason, he's suddenly really-tall, really buff, and clearly omega, and he comes back in like two years max with his whole Red Hood shtick, and he's like I've been replaced, and looks at a kid who's clearly ready to throw hands with him, who also went like I'm not Shadow, I'm Robin, screw you

And Jason, who was used that nobody, not even Damian, got to the field before they were fourteen, that was a strict rule on B's side (actually Damian was a menace since day one he appeared at Bruce's door at the age of ten, but that's not what you tell your youngest), and yet here's kid who probably didn't live even a decade (I hc that before 13 he was like on a shorter side, but then between 13 and 15 he almost reached his adult height, so he definitely looked younger), and Jason's like... Bruce, at first I wanted to make you suffer, but now I'm going to kill you, how DARE you endanger the kid, what dO YOU MEAN HE ISN'T ADOPTED AND YOU KEEP HIS AS A WARD?! so ye, tiny Dick being the wrench that broke all Jason's dramatic plans

Dick's also has a 1000 quota stare, because he went through grieving B, fought teeth and nails to have his own vigilante persona, and he's used to wrangle Bruce and Jean-Paul, as well as Duke and Damian, and Batgirls, the kid is unfazed by the last Shadow coming back to life and his bag of severed heads is like huh, anyway, moving on

also yes, Dick is going to be smoothered by everyone, he would like it, as long as aside from that time he's treated as equal and stop trying to carry me away I had everything under control. also like really not getting the whole pack stuff, but mimicking it well enough that there's a bet who he would grow up to be, and Damian and Cass look at each other like nope, not telling them

also idk where to put it, so out of mentioned here Tim is alpha, Duke is omega, Steph is omega (and is the fourth tallest of the batfam), Babs is alpha, Cass is alpha, Harper idk, she has alpha vibes, I don't remember actually if I contradict myself, so whatever

so ye, thank you for the ask and have a nice day!

[shouldiusemyname]

Random WayuHello thoughts (because it's his name now. I guess...)

This show is unhinged and there's a reason these two are top of the cast list on mdl. This couple has the only fully completed arc in this show.

The translation is really something else. This should be studied. I will have to write about this when I have the time - like, why did they suddenly decide to call him Hello? lmao.

Are you telling me that all this time they still haven't had sex? They were ALL OVER EACH OTHER and it's the first time he's going for the dick?!

And this?

This is THE BEST line EVER! Honestly, the entire show is worth this scene alone.

Going back to the translation, if I got it correctly, he's actually asking him - Do you remember that you asked me? And NOT - Do you remember who asked you that?

The question was - What does it mean to Grasp desire?

To which Wayu answers with a grasp of Hello's desire! (Yes, I am committed to Hello's name now)

Then, the only possible conclusion - sex makes you a better actor. That fight scene was so sexually charged, even poor Park couldn't handle it. These two have some kink in them for sure.

Wayu is the best boyfriend and I will fight anyone who says different.

They better be getting their own show after this.

Tagging the only people I know watched this magnificent shitshow (affectionately) @nerdybunnydestiny , @heretherebedork , @respectthepetty

[cottagecore-raccoon]

I hope your Tuesday treats you better than Monday did💛🩵 Monday never deserved you anyway. It's loss. Okay so I've never seen Good Omens but I know you love Aziraphale and Crowley ~ sooo if you're keen, could you please share what it was about them that captured your heart? You can go into as much detail as you're comfortable with. Regardless, I really hope the rest of your day takes it easy on you. !No pressure hey!

This is such a kind ask, thank you so much for taking the time to send it! Today really has been a bit of a shitshow, but at least it's over

Anywho, I feel like the funny this about my obsession with Aziraphale and Crowley is that it sort of came in two parts. The first during the initial phase of lockdown (after I nearly died from what was likely Covid- a story for another day). I, like everyone else, was going rather crazy and just needed something to fill the time. I believe I had already watched some clips of the show on Youtube (since consuming new media is hard for me), so I mostly went into it for their dynamic. I loved their level of comfort with one another, and their somewhat old married couple dynamic. It's worth noting that during this time I was still in denial about my sexuality, so watching Aziraphale's arc, which can be read as an easy analogy for queerness in a family that pretends to be accepting, was... poignant.

The second time around was about a year and a half ago when I was getting into tumblr/fandom culture largely. (Yes, I haven't been here very long.) Basically I had watched OFMD S1, wanted closure, and read a little bit of fanfic for it through tumblr. Then I was like "this is fun and all, but I think I'd like some different characters." I don't exactly know why my first thought was A&C, but I suppose that just shows how much their story meant to me a few years prior. Anyway, I stumbled across Aziraphale's Library and I guess the rest is history.

As for why they mean so much to me now, I think it's largely because I relate to Aziraphale a ridiculous amount. In short, many of his characteristics are things that I have traditionally hated about myself. But people love him anyway. Not in spite of those characteristics, but sometimes because of them. And Crowley has been burned so many times, but he still finds a way to keep going and envision a better world! He's the one to look at arbitrary rules and go "that's stupid" which I love him for. He's there to subtly push to Aziraphale and by extension the world forward. Also he's just such a silly little guy sometimes (affectionately)

[eternalconsxlationprize]

Welcome to Aurora Bay, [COLTON CRANE] ! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [STEVE LUND] . You must be the [THIRTY-FIVE] year old [FINANCIAL ADVISOR] . Word is you’re [CHARMING] but can also be a bit [SELFISH] and your favorite song is [EVERYDAY BY BON JOVI] . I also heard you’ll be staying in [AURORA BAY DRIVE] . I’m sure you’ll love it!

tw: death

Birthday: February 26th, 1990 Hometown: New York Sexuality: straight Family: parents, older brother, younger brother (†) (+) determined, passionate, easygoing, charming (-) selfish, inhibited, romantically challenged

If you're looking for a man in Finance, with a trust fund; 6’5 and blue eyes..well, his name is Colton Crane and he was born in New York. This middle child comes equipped with emotionally absent parents but an excellent gene pool, two brothers he almost shares a face with, the patience of a Bedouin monk, wit, charm and the ability to mediate a war out of happening; see, brothers. Colt grew up disgustingly rich but in a non-affectionate environment, which naturally meant he knew nothing about expressing love and being loyal to anyone he wasn't sharing a face or DNA with.

Naturally, this led to a string of meaningless flings with starlets, wannabe socialites and women who were more focused on his family name and money so he didn't need to put an actual effort into keeping. And he really wasn't interested in keeping them either. Even when he cheated on them, they endured; he was growing desperate on how to get rid of them. Apparently, he fit their dream type even when he was actively trying to be a jerk. What a mess... And then he met Sloane; and he didn't know what hit him. For the first time, Colton actually wanted to take care of someone, be present and make her happy. Other girls? Oh my God, women still existed!? He knew nothing of it!

In the next few years, it was all going great for him really. He had an on-again-off-again relationship, but otherwise perfect by his standards, his career was skyrocketing, his parents weren't on his case that much and his brothers were cool. Everything was great. Until it wasn't. First, it was Sloane that was gradually distancing herself emotionally. Had he done something wrong? Had he managed to break his favorite girl? At the same time, there was something in the air with his little brother, Patrick too. The kid, Colt always knew, was all over the place..but he never vanished off the face of the earth, especially for so long as to have them all worried. He knew his parents knew what was going on, but he and his brother were in the dark, as if they suddenly weren't part of the family. It was a mess.

And then there was a phone call. A damn phone call. Patrick was dead; simple and complicated as that, no answers, no nothing. His parents wouldn't say a word and it was driving Colton mad. He was a wreck; he loved his brother and now he was gone..and before long, Sloane was gone too. He didn't blame her, not really. He knew he was a shitshow at the time, he wasn't good enough to keep her. After that, it was a few blurry months, filled with alcohol, pain and self loathing. But you can't keep a Crane down for long. To the outside world, Colton Crane was fine. In fact he was great.

And he intended to be great; only for real this time. For the next year and a half, he worked himself to the ground, took care of friends, bonded more with his older brother, expanded his financial consulting firm and then gradually found parts of his old self; the guy who laughed loudly, who enjoyed sports, art and parties. And he knew he'd be good again...

[hellsvestibule]

I think characterizing Lancelot as a shameless womanizer seeking out married women on purpose is broke af to my understanding of him. but I m not a hardliner oh h he’s too loyal for that either bc i do find the idea funny that it’s not actually the strict principle he pretends it is so long as you hack into whatever brain chemistry it is that compels him to love in the most batshit way imaginable. And bc I’m an asshole who don’t really like the idea of “one fated true love” as a concept especially in a series like fate where this is like, never the point, that romantic love will absolve whatever’s wrong w you, which is kind of the key issue that makes him and guinevere compelling but also unhealthy. They are so toxic and codependent they struggle to even breathe without each other. Fucking literally. They try to suffocate themselves over it. And I think bc of that I have no problem w her not being here so for once he doesn’t orient his entire being around her he has to learn to become a functional person without her, he and guinevere deserve to rebel against the narrative a bit bc he simply wasn’t allowed before, he often acts like the narrative is holding a gun to his head forcing him to love her and took for granted he couldn’t have anything other than her. So the hardline I guess “shippers” of them to the point where they can’t chill on seeing thempaired w anyone else or don’t unders why he needs to grow as a person without her first also annoy me. But just wish people would acknowledge he’s not the guy a lot of people assume he is. He gets attention from women really easily bc he’s respectful of them to a fault but at least in his source material I’ve read was only really interested in guinevere. but he loves having random bromance with random old guys in the midst of whatever shitshow he’s involved in so like sure maybe he’d fuck a woman other than the queen if he could also like steal your dad or have old man yaoi about it bc it feels like romance is so much more about getting caught up in a Situation for him more than it is about merely presenting him with a pretty woman. and that’s what I actually like about him. Like. Read any story involving him especially knight of the cart. He’s so fucking pretentious about how disinterested he is in romancing hot women who aren’t Her (longingly gazes off into the vast expanse of space) he likes women platonically but he is actually really avoidant of them in an interpersonal level while he’s Allowed to be affectionate with men and so he is less restrained in his affections towards them to the point where the modern perspective is often inclined to be like yeah sorry tails this looks gay to the audience (which I like to fully lean into. He’s a bi icon tbh) maybe some of the later iterations of him do away with him being kind of prudish about women I admit I have not read every single iteration of Arthurian mythos but I do remember reading urobuchi saying he doesn’t take that perspective of him so it’s still annoying to me how much it’s the Go To gag while fgo also simultaneously mostly portrays him correct to my understanding of him as just. A guy who is always in a Situation

[thatgirl4815]

hi elle! first of all, i loooove your analyses and i've been checking your blog religiously after ep7 so i can calm down about the shitshow that is raymew...

now that i'm calmer, i have a few thoughts as a film major with a screenwriting obsession: according to one of the most well-known and accepted versions of the three-act narrative structure, we can say that the thatcar.mp3 blowing up was the halfway point of the story (ep6 of 12) where shit starts hitting the fan for real.

and the fallout of it is raymew: the false victory/defeat that usually occurs before we build up the actual climax. which will probably blow up in 11 because this is a thai bl and spill into 12 bc of what first said abt khao's intense scene in 12. and also you can't just have a whole-hour ep as an epilogue, especially in a series as messy (affectionate) as this.

i'm kinda done theorizing plotlines bc raymew fucking blindsided me, i didn't think they would actually go there. but looking at it as a false defeat (for sand and top) and a false victory (for ray and mew) it makes such perfect sense that as upset as i still am, i'm also kinda amazed at how brilliant the writers were for this...

so i have no idea what the actual climax is going to be, or how we'll get there, but i'm pretty confident about a sandray endgame from a narrative standpoint. i don't think that endgame is gonna be particularly healthy or happy, but i think it's gonna be pretty hopeful, if still somewhat ambigious.

(also on that note: i kinda love that jojo et al. are using the fixed pair concept to move the narrative along without spending a lot of time establishing the ships in the series (as angry as i am about the lack of sandray scenes lately...). we know that forcebook (topmew) and firstkhao (sandray) are likely ending up together, so they can introduce as much mess as they can into the story without fucking them up for good. i think it's a pretty genius way of subverting but also honoring the genre tropes we've come to know and love.

anyway, i'm done now klsdmgk keep up the brilliant work!!!

Hi Fen! That is so sweet of you! Honestly made my day. I’m trying to stay hopeful, mostly because so many people in the fandom seem to be in a very hopeless state right now over SandRay, but I still firmly believe it can work out between them. The way forward is rocky, but there is a way forward nonetheless.

I know Thai BLs have a tendency to let shit hit the fan in Ep11 and then clean it up in Ep12, and while I also fully expect that to be the case here, I hope that doesn’t mean they’ll rush through the resolution. I mean I would take an hour-long episode of SandRay: Adventures in Chiang Mai, but realistically I don’t think we’ll see much future stuff.

I’m thinking the climax for each couple will be much more personal—as in, within the pairs themselves rather than outside of them. So for SandRay this could be Ray’s addiction and commitment issues, etc. (It could have to do with Sand’s ex, but I think the bulk of that conflict will pass before Ep12). For TopMew, this could be about trust, with Top possibly making some grand gesture to win Mew back over, or Top demonstrating his love for Mew by saving Mew from himself (similar to next ep?)? For BostonNick, it could be Boston realizing his feelings for Nick and trying to win him back over, only to realize that Nick helped Mew get the sex tapes from Gap? Or that Nick really has moved on. Idk, I’m just brainstorming at this point, because yeah, after RayMew happened, I genuinely have no idea what to expect.

Side note, but I have a hunch Khao’s best scene in Ep12 is some sort of a mental breakdown? Maybe something similar to what we saw in Ep4. It’s got to be highly emotional to compete with the funeral scene in MLC. Maybe it’s Ray confronting his mother’s death again, but this time it’s Sand who pulls him out of his despair? Who knows.

Interesting point about how Jojo is using the established pairs…I really hope it is the case that FK and FB’s pairings make it out alive and all of this RayMew stuff is just for dramatics and will soon pass. That is the one negative to watching shows as they air (aside from the grueling wait between eps): I wish I knew how the couples will turn out so I don’t get my hopes up for nothing.

Also, because I know this is a hard time for all of us, I wanna say that my DMs and Ask box are always open! If we’re going to suffer, at least we can all do it together lol. <3

[softsky-daily]

1/24/2024

Who is she.... peeking out through the clouds.... a mystery....

Positive thing: My roommate friends made a good dinner like always, and I got through practicum.

Ugh. What a shitshow that was. At the last minute the clinic coordinator decided to make us include a student for co-therapy, so that meant having two counselors and one client. I can go over so many reasons why we all hated this idea but mostly it threw us off completely, and our clients were confused, and there were way too many people crowding the office, and it was completely unfair and not normal for everyone involved. I hate feeling like someone's guinea pig. Plus afterwards they had the gall to scold us for not being enthusiastic about it. They said "sound more confident with your clients and don't make it sound like it was last minute" but like, it was!! You didn't give us a heads-up and I thought our job was to be honest with our clients. Whatever. This program is a circus and I guess we're just monkeys to them. Also people kept walking into my sessions and I had to shoo them away so that was annoying.

The whole attitude of the higher-ups in the clinic feel so detached from what is actually helpful. I don't see how in any universe it'd be fine to be like "hey now you have someone else coming with you to your session, just deal with it okay :)". I will accept stress from my clients because that's who my focus is on. I will not tolerate stress from people who don't get that their actions just make our jobs harder for no reason.

Anyways. I hope they don't make us do it again next week or I'm pretty sure my whole group and I are gonna start a strike or something.

I was thinking about some childhood memories I had and I didn't realize how formative they were but I guess they stuck with me for a reason. One time my friend's dad was talking about when he was in medical school, and how everyone was extremely cutthroat and would betray other people for better opportunities and accolades and stuff all the time. He said he could understand why, but that he never agreed with that sort of mindset. He would help people, even if in the end many of them wouldn't do the same, and he said something like "I figured we were all going to make it through one way or another anyway. And medical school is already so difficult for so many reasons. I didn't see why we had to make it harder for each other." He attributed his success to the friend he made in medical school who stuck with him, and that was more important to him than trying to claw his way to the top. That always stuck out to me. To me he was a really cool and successful doctor, and I admired him a lot for his point of view too.

Another time with this same family I happened to go to the beach with them, and I was a pretty clumsy (or maybe reckless) kid so I accidentally knocked my head into the rear view mirror while getting out of the car. Honestly it didn't really hurt that much, I didn't cry or anything. But my friend's grandfather immediately got so worried and I remember him cradling me and patting my head and asking over and over if I was hurt. Both sets of my grandparents weren't that affectionate so I remember being really bewildered at the time. But afterwards I was caught up in this nice, fuzzy feeling that I still remember to this day. I learned later he was a Hiroshima survivor, and I don't think I had the full understanding of how big of a deal that was then. But looking back on it now I just feel a sort of profound gratitude that despite everything, he found his way through life to give a lonely little girl a hug that she'll always remember.

[junkdyke]

ok so here's my situation with the twink who will not leave me the fuck alone.

Backstory, I'm in college, I had a gen ed class and this guy sits next to me (call him P) He always wants to talk with me during breaks, waits for me after class, once he got my IG he'd message me during the class as well. Just very clingy off the bat. I saw him at a party, and he asked if I'd ever wanna hang out. Just really wanted to go out, party, whatever, and at the time I was all about it. Like yeah, let's go to the club, go bar hopping, w/e

Flash forward to The Pajama Party. I live-blogged about this during that time and talked about the situation, talking about P in a very affectionate way at the time. Here's the rundown of everything that happened and where the shitshow begins.

P wants to throw a house party. He has never thrown one before, but he wants to throw a party to "annoy his neighbors". I assume the neighbors are old people that he has beef with. A few days before his party I get an invite for a pajama party from E. E is fairly popular, really well liked and extremely sweet, and he throws parties often. He and his roomies are graduating that weekend, so of course people will want to go. It's the same day as P's party, so I KNEW there was no way in hell people would go to P's over E's. So me being nice, I let P know and tell him "I think you should resched to next week!" I get no acknowledgment from P, he just texts back something irrelevant. Ignored warning. Okay!

Day of the party comes. I go out with some friends, we're having dinner before E's party, and my friend 'S' (who was also in that class with me and P and got similar "we should go out" sentiments from him) and I are talking about P's party. It's revealed that the neighbors he wanted to "annoy" with his party are actually 2 girls that also go to our college, are friends of mine and ONE of them is the ex of one of E's roommates (call her D). This becomes very important later LOL.

In that moment, I get a call thru IG from P. And this mf tells me "Everybody is canceling on me, no one is coming to my party, I'm so pissed cause i already bought snacks, can you give me the address to E's party cause I wanna crash it." So I tell him "i tried to warn you!" but of course i'm thinking there's no harm in having him come to E's party! Let me be nice! So, I give him the deets.

I arrive, he's already there and immediately he's chatting me up, I don't even have a drink yet. He's talking about his party flop, how only 3 people came and left, and tells me that one of his best friends flaked on his party because "she went to have dinner with her bf's parents" and said this with SUCH disdain and an eyeroll as if..prioritizing your partner's parents over a house party is a shitty thing to do? Hm. The party goes on, I'm mingling with different people, and multiple times he comes to find me. At one point I'm having a one on one, and he comes up and says "there you are." But it gets to a point where anywhere that he shows up...everyone dissipates and goes into another room, and I'm doing the same. A girl I met says to me "he kept talking about how rich his parents are and it made me uncomfortable so i left". E's roommates are whispering to each other that he's making people uncomfortable and they're not sure what to do.

Party comes to an end, we go home, P posts on his IG about how the whole ordeal fucked with his mental health and he's gonna have a breakdown. I send him a lil check-in message, see if he's okay. Then I get a DM from one of E's roommates. He says it was good to see me, and he's not sure if I'm the one of invited P but just as a heads up, he made people uncomfortable and in the past he was very close with D (this roommates ex gf/P's neighbor) until he really freaked her out. He didn't give details as to what freaked her out. But continued on just to say that P was not invited in the future, and to watch out for my sake as well. I of course apologized, explain about his party being the same day and i wanted to be nice, and he was understanding, everything was cool. But after that night and how weird P had been, I distanced myself more than I already had (P messaged me constantly and I'd rarely answer even from the start)

Time passes, P constantly spams me with tiktoks and messages, i never reply. At some point he asks "is something wrong, you haven't been replying!" I still don't answer. At 1am, I get a message from S saying "P is asking me why you won't answer him back". Mind you, S and I aren't SUPER close, we're not constantly talking back and forth either. So both of us are extremely weirded out at the fact P is trying to find out through her why I'm not answering. So she and I talk about how weird he's been, and this is where the actual floodgates of "what the fuck" come out.

So the day after E's party, P's neighbors had a party as well (D and her roommate). P was not invited, but knew that S was going so he tried to convince her to get him into the party since she's friends with the hosts. S already knew about the weirdness and his history with those girls, so she didn't get him into the party. At fucking 2am, they're out on the balcony and look down to see P stalking outside the building. Weird enough to do this once...but apparently he has done this before. Multiple times. The reason he wanted to "annoy his neighbors" with a party is because they never invite him to theirs, so he wanted to throw one and not invite them back. Now why did P and his neighbors have a falling out to begin with? What freaked D out so badly? Now I'm taking this with the hugest grain of salt. I still don't fully believe this myself, but never put it past a white man. APPARENTLY...D and her roommate both either saw or knew of P killing small animals for entertainment purposes. Again, HUGE grain of salt, that's some real life serial killer shit that baffles me, I really can't just go ahead and say it's fact. But fuck me, if that wasn't enough to really solidify the weirdness that is this fucking kid.

So anyway! Time passes, P continues to spam me with messages, and continues to ask S why I don't answer. S rarely answers him as well. It's been weeks at this point. I post about my friend passing away, he gives condolences, I hit "Like" on the messages because the sentiments were sweet, but didn't actually write back. S sends me a screenshot of P saying "Sam won't answer back and we were supposed to go party. Ugh and now that her friend died, she's definitely not going to be in the mood to." are you fucking kidding me.

Brings us to last night. I go out to a house party annnnd in walks P. The moment he sees me, he cocks his head and his expression is....almost like "Oh. Well look who's here" a little upset, a little like he's finally caught me. I fucking pound my drink, and I am nice! Very nice, like I always fucking am, I chat with him like nothing ever happened and everything is normal. I'm able to break away throughout the party, but he continuously finds me. At one point I'm outside talking to 2 friends, he comes out, and 30 seconds later, my friends go inside. P says "It seems people always vanish when I show up, I swear I'm cursed". Most of the party goes smooth, he made a few comments hinting at me dodging him, saying "Aren't we still gonna go party? We should go out for pride" and I'm like yeah yeah, of course we should, uh huh, I'm just soooo busy with work yanno and traveling! End of the night, he's leaving and says to me "You know we should really stay in contact. Like REALLY stay in contact cause uh...ya kinda ghosted me!" And I say yeah sorry you know just been busy and he says "Yeah but, even at the end of last semester you....kinda ghosted me." and his tone is not sad, it's not hurt. He's bitter, accusatory, like i'm in the wrong. Like I did something bad, something malicious. Edit: in this moment he also said "oh are you faster with texting? Maybe give me your number?" and I said "AHA i actually think IG is faster i don't really text!" bc no way in fucking hell is he getting my phone number.

This whole time, I never had a say in growing a friendship with this guy, there was never an opportunity for some organic growth. It was like he just decided "you" and made me his friend with all the obligations that come with that. What started as just annoying overbearing clinginess now feels kinda dangerous. Like what happens when I continue to not answer and I see him at another party? I don't want to avoid my friend's gatherings on the chance that he might be there. I don't want to have to hide that I'm going out and didn't invite him. I don't want to be part of this forced 'friendship' that's he's decided I need to be a part of. And I also don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him I do not want to be in contact. Even if I told him, he'd find a way to make me the villain, I'd be in the 'wrong' in his eyes, just like every other person he's complained to me about. Where he stated things as if he was the victim when the whole time I'm thinking the other person was in the right.

So anyway, this has been ongoing for ~2 months and I never expecting things to escalate the way they have. I don't know WHY he is so hung up on me in particular, but I just want to shake him off clean.

[intermundia]

Hey Will, you’re such a bright presence here and I truly look forward to seeing your posts, your fic, your meta, every time I open this app. There have been so many times that your posts have been exactly what I needed to hear during the shitshow that was the last couple of years. The post about breaking things for catharsis resonated with me, because I’ve always wanted to do the same thing, but I’ve never let myself. So your post felt like permission, and it was such a relief, that thought of “oh, I don’t have to constantly be doing the most rational thing I don’t always have to worry about the mess or any of that other bullshit my fucked up childhood instilled in me. I can just feel sometimes and do things that might look a little nuts just because they’re good for my soul.”

I really love following you, and you make every day a little better. Every time you post about progress you’ve made on your Star Wars timeline or collection or in your personal life, I feel so much pride and happiness because even though we’ve never met, I think of you as a friend and I’m glad for your well-being.

Anyway, I’m all rambly today but the point is, you’re so lovely and such a bright spot here on the Hellsite (affectionate) and I’m so glad you’re here!!! ❤️

bro this means so much to me. there are few places in my offline life where i feel like i can really express myself and share the things i'm passionate about, and it makes me feel SO MUCH less lonely when other people connect with my posts on here. i consider so many people on here to be my friends, and making my friends happy brings so much light into my day too. so thank you!!!!

[sgiandubh]

What, we didn't have Paul Donnelly in this round of the shitshow? I thought this was his environment!

Dear Environment Anon,

You certainly mean Paul D. the boxing/fitness actor with that loan, not the South African [edit: Scottish born and Australian ex-pat success story, gracias 😘] chef.

Well, we didn't. I wonder if that loan is still unpaid as such and if we can connect any dots. But hey, at this point, we can only speculate and the least thing I would like to do is micromanage or address every single, tiny detail of this very rich tapestry of secrets and lies we (almost affectionately) call #shitshow.

Other than that, you know my mantra, right?

PS: And yes your guess would be correct - 'All the President's Men' is one of my Top 10 movies ever. My #1 being Akira Kurosawa's Kagemusha. I mean, have you ever seen anything more elegant than this, Anon?

I haven't, to be honest.